Butt Pimples: what I found out

More commonly referred to as Butt Acne or Buttne. Seriously. Not to be confused with Bum Knee which is an old injury.

There seems to be general agreement that pimples and pimple like things upon ones posterior are either inflamed/infected pores or inflamed/infected hair follicles. Generally agreed upon causes are sweat and debris, including old skin cells, gathering in the pores or follicles.

There is also general agreement on how to avoid getting them as much as possible. Shower directly after sweating. Don't wear yoga pants all the time. Exfoliate your bum. Don't use oil or lotions that clog pores on your butt. Avoid thongs. Wear cotton panties. Cotton might kill in a cold weather survival environment, but cotton grannie panties protect you from buttne in an everyday environment.

If you do get buttne, it is strongly recommended that you don't pop them. How would that even work? Is everyone a lot more flexible that I am? Would you ask a loved one? Would they say yes? Would they still love you?

Here are the toxic chemicals I was expecting:

1. Benzoyl Peroxide Body Wash - "It will bleach your towels, but it works really nicely." Dr. Tanzi
2. Salicylic Acid Pads
3. Lactic Acid Lotion
4. Antibiotics and steroid injections

Dr. Tanzi also says that you should look for acid percentages of 3 and up in cleansing products for you butt.

Also recommended, but less regulated by the FDA:

1. A sonic cleansing brush (I wonder if this would work on my cat?)
2. Head and Shoulders shampoo - supposed it works on back pimples, so why not lower back pimples?
3. Butt Acne Clearing Lotion by Green Heart Labs - fragrance free with arnica and calendula at www.clearbutt.com
4. Sit bare-bottomed on a hot towel for 20 minutes 3-4 times a day (wish I had time for this)
5. Crush up aspirin, mix with water, spread on bum
6. Cover it in honey - manuka honey apparently being the best - and wait 20 minutes before rinsing it off. I hear who's on first:

Boy: "What's taking you so long in the bathroom, honey."

Girl: "Yes. And I can't even sit down."

Boy: "What?" 

Girl: "It's sticky."

Boy: "What are you talking about, honey?"

Girl: "Yes. That's why I can't sit down."

I couldn't find any spa treatments or wearable inserts for personal hide tanning or even mention of yaks, but still pretty entertaining.

Butt Pimples: why and what to do about it

It just occurred to me to wonder about this today. I have not yet even gone so far as to google it. This is may favorite time in the research process, when you have a question and imagine what you might find.

I'm hoping to find an article or encyclopedic entry titled as this post. It will have a section on why from allopathic medicine's point of view with toxic topical and internal medicines warning of such side effects as erectile dysfunction, male lactation and increased risk of heart attack. It will have various theories from non-traditional medicine ranging from dairy and wheat allergies to your colon chi being in excess due a blockage in the next chi down the line. There will be suggestions of using Tellurium mixed with egg yolks and other such noxious remedies.

Then there will be a variety of spa and home treatments: the butt facial, , butt-buffing, a butt shaped tanning unit you can stick in your pants, special yak mesh underwear infused with mustard oil that massages and wicks away the impurities. The possibilities are so much fun. Unfortunately, what I actually find will probably not live up to my expectations.

Going now to Google, WikiPedia and possibly PubMed.